Late Night Ponderings.

Do you ever wonder why things turned out the way they did? If it is a part of some grand scheme, or just by chance? I think about this all the time, in accordance with just about anything: friendships, potential love, school, family, life. I wonder if I was given a plan, and I'm just following it, or if I had said something else that one moment, would have my life turned out differently. Or not even necessarily my life, just that one fleeting moment in time. Everything could be different, in so many situations if I took the left path instead of the one on the right. If I had taken the leap and not listened to my mother when I applied for college, maybe I'd be somewhere I was truly happy, and not transferring two short years later. Maybe I'd be somewhere where I knew exactly what I was doing and had the best of friends.  If when his best friend said, "Do you like him?" and I had told the truth for once in my life, and said yes, would we have been together? Would we have forgotten the age difference, and be together? Would he have woken up and realized that it was me he liked, not my best friend? Or maybe the thing that caught my tongue wasn't me, but the greater plan. Maybe we're really not meant to be, and I  saved myself. Or I cost myself something that could have been wonderful. This is something I still grapple with, two years later. I feel like I missed out, because that one December night I freaked out and scoffed when someone said, "You two should date." We're still great friends, and maybe we're meant to be that way. I just worry that I missed out because I was too scared. And I use the age difference all the time as my excuse. The maturity gap can show, but then there are those magical moments when I remember why I liked him so much.  I feel like I romanticize the situation in my head, and this may be why I am so infatuated with the idea of love. 

With everything I do, I wonder if it's a plan someone else chose and I'm involuntarily following it, or if it's all me. 

And that my friends, is my 2am rant. Good night, and good luck.