Only fools fall in love

So remember when I warned you all that I would use this as a journal? Well, that time has come. So there is this boy I have known for going on five years now. For one and a half of those five years, I had a tiny crush on him. I suppressed my feelings because I felt like I was being silly, he was a year and a half younger than me. I vaguely referred to it at the time, and he was like oh, cool. Maybe he was too young to get that I wanted something more. After that blip, we became best friends. Then I went off to college, while he still had 2 more years of high school. I'd text him every so often, and I'd see him on break, but that was really it. Until this summer. We hung out all the time, mostly going to the local dog park with his golden lab retriever. We somehow became really close. And then we both went to college. Today we hung out again, and somehow, I'm attracted to him again. He's not that different, but I feel selfish. I don't want him going back, I want him to stay with me. I wanted him to man up, and kiss me. He got so close multiple times in those two hours we were at the dog park today. I swear, do I smell? Even if he had just grabbed my hand. MER. 

Missing you.

Have you ever missed someone much more than they could possibly miss you? I mean, it's very possible he misses me just as much, but he never says it first. It's always me saying that I miss him, and then he tells me that he misses me too. But does he really miss me, or does he just feel it'd be rude to not say so? I sometimes feel like I shouldn't miss this person, as they are two years younger and just starting college. And clearly, they never miss me first. But there is just something about this person where I know he is meant to be in my life, in whatever capacity. And because I know this, I will try my darndest to make it happen. I have no idea where our friendship is going to take us, but I desperately want to find out. I want this person to be in my life forever. So maybe I miss him more than I should. But is that really so bad? 

Happy Days Are Here Again

Long time no post, folks. Sorry about that, I get distracted very easily. But tonight I am home in my real house, the one I have lived in for years being VERY anti-social. All weekend (since Thursday night, really) I have been in the very long process of moving into an apartment close to my new school. This has made me not only tired, but I don't even want to be social. I am very content with sitting in my pj's, watching the Graduate for my popular culture English class. However, I feel like I am doing something wrong, that I am so content with not talking to anyone. I also have an overwhelming desire to play dress up in my clothes (one of my favorite past times), but unfortunately the majority of my clothes are currently a forty five minute drive away, which makes it very hard to try them on in different manners. I probably should start on my homework, but I don't quite understand the directions, so I feel as though it'd be pointless. More proof I need to move out, I am so not in the mindset of school. Anyhoo, here's some inspiration to help you through the  week, I know I'm going to need it.

Tumblr!

Sooo I have a tumblr. You are free to check it out if you'd like, it's very similar to this blog. Almost the same url, in fact.

http://chaseallthecloudsfromthesky.tumblr.com/

Somewhere, out there.

I'm sick of waiting around for something that will probably never happen. But I am too scared to take the leap of faith, and do something myself. It's funny, I go after what I want academically and professionally, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I freeze. I'm sure everyone is convinced I'm a lesbian, but I swear I'm not. I'm just scared. Scared that I will never find what I'm looking for, but also scared of settling. I'd rather be alone and independent than dependent on a guy who just turns out to be a jerk. I'm getting nervous though that I will never find that perfect someone and I will end up an old, dried up cat lady. 

I know I am starting to sound like some loser who spends all of her time complaining, and for that I apologize to my few followers. But in my defense, I did say I would use this blog as a personal way to express myself. So ha. To make up for it, here's some inspiration. Lord knows I need it.

Rant.

I honestly cannot stand that people can act one way to your face and another way entirely when you are not around. I also hate that people have this need to pretend to be nice, but have a lilt of dislike in their voice when they speak to you. Just be real. If you don't like me, whatever but stop pretending because all it does is make me want to cry. I am starting to feel as though no one really likes me, and that I am here for everyone to poke fun at, but not to be long lasting good friends. I am the convenience friend, and it is driving me MAD. What did I do to deserve to be walked all over? I am fine being on my own, but I am terrified that I have doomed myself to be alone for the rest of my life. Being independent doesn't mean I don't want to be around people. Being different shouldn't be such a sin. I am starting to worry that something is wrong with me. It's scaring the living daylights out of me, I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask?

I feel like crying. I miss the feeling of not worrying about people. I miss the people I could count on. I am terrified to transfer and have to start all over. What if I don't make any friends? What if I never find a guy, and I stay this abstinent, never been kissed loser forever? AGH. I am scared, guys.  Why is the future so scary? Okay, end of rant.

Mischief Managed.

Every so often, there is a piece of entertainment that manages to move a generation. I firmly believe that Harry Potter is one of these masterpieces that managed to entertain, teach, and emotionally attach young people to fictional characters and a story we wish was real. I know I was sad when my letter to Hogwarts never came at age eleven. Harry taught me to be brave even when things got scary, Ron taught me it was okay to make outrageous statements, Hermione taught me that you can be smart and share it. Luna taught me that it was alright to be a little looney, and Neville made sure it was okay to be a little off, too. These characters are a part of me, and helped me through some tough times. But the biggest accomplishment of all was that J.K. Rowling taught a whole generation of young people that it was fun to read. I am not ashamed to admit that it took me a while to be able to read silently to myself, age seven to be precise. Once I started, I never stopped. But Harry Potter was my first real venture into long chapter books, at age eight. Rowling's masterpiece made me realize that books were my escape, a handheld way to get away from reality's daily troubles. From then on, I have read everything and anything. I love love to read, and I am a regular at my local library. And I completely blame Ms. Rowling. I hope that Harry has managed to do for other children what he did for me, make me see that novels were a marvelous thing. Reading should never ever die, and there should always be books for children and adults of all ages to pick up and escape their lives. As long as you don't live inside fiction, an occasional escape is just fine.

My feelings about this though begin and end with the books. The films just never did it for me. I believe in order for a book to film franchise to work, they need to be stand alone movies, and I feel that you can be very confused if you have never ever touched a Harry Potter novel. That is not to say I don't go see them, or discourage others. But I feel that every person should at least try out Harry in book form too, as there is such depth to these books, the sheer detail insane. The woman put so much thought into each and every moment, it is a master piece for the ages.

I am a giant Harry nerd, but you probably would never guess until you get me talking. I didn't see the movie at midnight, I didn't dress up. But I did buy books four through seven at midnight and read them until I was finished. Books are like candy, they should be gobbled up, but savored. And Harry Potter novels are like that super special sweet that you want to eat over and over again. So thank you J.K., for introducing me to the most wonderful hobby I have. I truly appreciate it.